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[基情交牛] 上次找大家问的IB作文写好了,大家快来帮我找找错误

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发表于 2020-7-16 01:46:32 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
Heath,wealth or fame. which is better?


       Thesedays are quite common to see some people to chase the health, wealth and fame. lotsof people argue that health, wealth or fame is better, I saw this question alot in the internet. Personally, I would choose the wealth.
       Thehealth is really important, but if you only have the health, the life would be stressful.There are lots of people who only have the health in China, they are strugglingin life. Frankly, there are lots people live like the zombie, and some of themare unemployed, some of them don’t have enough salary, and they have to find apart-time job, they worked whole day as well as they don’t even have the time toaccompany with their family. If you only have the health, and you wouldn’t behappy absolutely; but if you don’t have the health, definitely, you also won’tbe happy that no matter how much money you have.
       Actually if you have both of the wealth andthe health is the best. However, I won’t choose the fame.
  Fame isa worth thing for governments, officials, companies, scientists, and so on. Butfor me is negligible. Mark Twain said: There are two kinds of people in theworld. The first kind of person has the achievement, the second kind of personclaims to have the achievement. The first category is not as many as secondtypes of people.
It tells us that there are stilllots of people who are seeking the fame, and they catch it at all cost. I thinkthe fame is nothing to do with me.
Wealth, which is the thing that most importantfor me. If you have any problems with the body, you would to pay a lot of moneyto heal, but if you don’t have the money, what could you do? To borrow? Andthat will be a such a gigantic baggage for your family and your life. Lots ofpeople said, the money cannot buy the happiness, but if you don’t have themoney, you wouldn’t be happy definitely. Maybe not, some people don’t thinkpoverty is bad, because they cannot be rich. Money is important for everybody. ifthere is somebody who says they don’t like the money ,they would be probably justkidding you. I figure that, to be a young man, we shouldn’t to live incomfortable life, this would be the same as to boiled a frog in warm water.
As the result, you won’t have enoughmoney to educate your kids or to live in a comfortable life, and you won’t knowthe cruelty of the world, so you couldn’t teach your kids about that. Thegolden time was gone, never will be back. It will not remind you, you have tocatch them on your own. So I will not choose the health, for that time, I haveto catch the opportunity at any cost. Like my dad, he was so hardworking thathe can get the happiness now.

Health, wealth and fame, it’s goodto get them as much as you can, but if you can’t, you have to get at least two,to have a meaningful life. I would choose the wealth when I am young, and Iwould choose health when I am old, in the different states of the age, the mindshould be diverse. Bear in mind, don’t waste time, it was gone, and never will beback, and stay away from those who are trying to make you lose your ambition.


帮我纠纠错~



补充内容 (2020-7-16 01:57):
可恶啊,文档里打好的,复制过来有些单词都连在一起了,大家可能不太好看啊。。。非常抱歉

补充内容 (2020-7-16 02:16):
我知道写的很烂,所以就看结构也没有错吧233
天佑吾皇,常胜利,沐荣光!

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 楼主| 发表于 2020-7-16 01:47:38 | 显示全部楼层
英语大佬都快来~
天佑吾皇,常胜利,沐荣光!

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发表于 2020-7-16 07:20:51 来自手机 | 显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 Aranea 于 2020-7-16 07:37 编辑

感觉有些地方用词有些简单?抱歉我不太了解结构这方面的东西。不过打比方,这里“If you have any problems with the body”但是个人感觉这里不如写“suffering from health issue”这样的话?还有就是really important这样的用词 extremely important或者essential更好吧?毕竟这是一个作业,用词上还是更学术一些吧
我也只是个刚刚英国大学毕业即将读研的理科生。也只能对你的用语上提出意见了。。。如果我有什么说错或者不合理的地方,还请谅解

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发表于 2020-7-16 07:22:16 来自手机 | 显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 Aranea 于 2020-7-16 07:55 编辑

还有,but可以用在句首与否这样的质疑一直都有。为了避免你的老师正好是认为不可以的那类人,还是不要这样写了。
你的这篇作文有很多地方不太“学术”
比如引用某人的话,英文中是不用冒号的。逗号即可
学术作文里,出现反问句也很少见。
而且'What could you do? To borrow?' 为什么要加To?
'have nothing to do with me' 这也是口语化的语句,一般用于撇清和某起事件关系的
你这里用也不太合适。
其实还有很多例子。。比如你写到'some people don't think poverty is bad.' bad 这个词,是糟糕到了什么程度?
这里与其写“不认为贫困糟糕” 不如写“ some people don't care whether they lead a poverty life or not' 某些人不在于贫穷与否

还有就是为什么到处都是“the”啊,注意定冠词用法啊

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发表于 2020-7-16 07:40:45 | 显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 Aranea 于 2020-7-16 07:51 编辑

通篇看下来,我的感觉就是你的用词过于简单,也过于'中文化'。是用写国语作文的思路,转变为英语再写出来的文章。而且用词过于口语化。如果能润色一下,并且把语法问题纠正就好了
啊最后说一下,
学术作文中,最好不要出现第一人称。而且YOU这样的词,是绝对不要出现的。
还有,既然是IB课程,那就是高中生程度的英文水平。从这个作文来看,你的词汇量和语法的运用都要加强.....

这里是关于人称运用的tips,你可以注意一下

1.避免在句子的开头使用人称代词,因为句首是一个很容易引起注意的地方,因此可能会让读者失焦于其他重点(除非本来意旨就是要引起读者注意)

2.小心”we.”的定义。 “We” 应该只能是作者们,而不会是读者,除非你就是要写会话文而不是学术文件。毕竟参与整个研究与分析结果的都只有作者,但这也不是亘古不变的规定。如果想用 “we” 来指示大群体的人,务必在前句先定义好,例如”As researchers, we frequently question…”

3.第一人称在现代英文使用法中,虽然逐渐被接受了,但是第二人称”you” 依旧是不可使用的。

《家里蹲吸血姬的苦闷》
前三卷结束!
第四卷缓慢更新中.....

(鸽子起飞了,勿念)

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发表于 2020-7-16 08:49:28 | 显示全部楼层
niubility, don understan

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发表于 2020-7-16 09:22:26 | 显示全部楼层
就讓小弟來騙騙分數吧
文章太長了,不想全改,留給別人一點機會???
首先
第一行 "Thesedays are quite common to see some people to chase the health, wealth and fame"
正常來說不會用2個 to
第二行的"lotsof people argue that health, wealth or fame is better".
個人來說會喜歡加either... or, 不過查了一下好像這樣也可以,還有這句應該是已經結束不會用 ,
"I saw this question alot in the internet"應該不是用past tense
第三行 "Thehealth is really important, but if you only have the health, the life would be stressful"
Health 不用加 The,還有句子太clumsy.作為argumentative essay 來說太口語
第四行"Frankly, there are lots people live like the zombie" grammar grammar 上來說是living
以上
總體來說結構上沒有跟argumentative essay 的基本結構,要是是學術用的東西估計要涼?

By 垃圾澳洲留學生

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发表于 2020-7-16 13:24:33 | 显示全部楼层
Thesedays are quite common to see some people to chase the health, wealth and fame.
=> These days are quite common. I see some people who chase the health, wealth and fame.

Frankly, there are lots people live like the zombie
=> Frankly, there are lots of people live like the zombies

...

And I am a lazy dog.
Who let the dogs out? Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof!

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 楼主| 发表于 2020-7-16 15:17:15 | 显示全部楼层
Aranea 发表于 2020-7-16 07:22
还有,but可以用在句首与否这样的质疑一直都有。为了避免你的老师正好是认为不可以的那类人,还是不要这样 ...

没办法,我一个英语初学者单词量还不大。。。太难搞了。刚到外国留学不久,还只是个渣逼啊。。
天佑吾皇,常胜利,沐荣光!

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 楼主| 发表于 2020-7-16 15:18:37 | 显示全部楼层
StanLeeee 发表于 2020-7-16 09:22
就讓小弟來騙騙分數吧
文章太長了,不想全改,留給別人一點機會???
首先

太难搞了,学术文章太难搞了,我英语初学者也就用用这些简单的词了啊。而且刚到外国不久,还真没法习惯老外的logic。。还有就是文章结构,以后我会特地培训一下的
天佑吾皇,常胜利,沐荣光!
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